A Friendlationship?

I realize that I do not understand my emotions very well. Sometimes I claim to be immensely introspective, and its true. When there is a fault in my reasoning, or I make a mistake, I am NOT afraid to point out the error in myself. We learned in psychology about internal and external reasons for certain behavior, and a fundamental error people make is to note a behavior and quickly blame it on an internal cause in others, but an external cause in themselves. I do not think I do this quite as much. For the most part, I have the ability to see the faults inside of me, and when I make an error, I can generally attribute it to the correct root cause. That being said, it does not prevent me from making mistakes, and sometimes I act even though I understand that I'm being immature, or egotistical, or selfish....so there is another inherent flaw in me. Also, this does not apply to all areas. For instance, I'm very confused right now in regards to...well I'll just go ahead and say it...my love life. I desire to be a woman who seeks hard after Christ, and any relationship I enter into must be God honoring, and I want to pick a GOOD guy if I'm going to love someone else, and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet or not...but all I know is that I'm feeling so much right now that I don't really understand and I'm making all these decisions that I don't really understand the breadth of, and I'm confused because I feel like, if something were to happen right now in regards to that, I'm not ready and I really don't have that much to give...which begs the question, why am I even thinking about it at all? The obvious answer is that I am female, and it happens. I just wish for one minute I could stop thinking about men and their influence on my life and focus on things that actually matter. However, its impossible. I find that my genuine affection for people sneaks up on me, one minute I am endlessly fluctuating between enjoying your presence and wishing you would just leave, and the next I realize that I will always and forever love you. I'm just confused. Because I don't really understand what I want. No. thats a lie. I know what I want, i just know i can't have it right now. And I'm afraid that I'll lose it while I wait for my heart to piece back together.